Masculinity Isn’t Toxic
Having two sons, I have spent much more time thinking about young men in our modern world. It seems the definition of masculinity has been muddled so far beyond recognition that men are trapped between a dominating/controlling paradigm or a weak/passive one. Neither of these embody the true masculine energy that dignifies men and allows them to garner true respect from women.
Some advice urges men to be uncaring, selfish and status-driven. They will have an endless line of beautiful women waiting to sleep with them, but only if they remain aloof and uncaring, more focused on making money and being “high status” than worrying about silly, vapid women who are nothing if they aren’t hot.
On the other hand, there is advice (often from women) telling men to be soft and emotional and passive. Let women take the lead and do whatever she says. Live to make her happy and to make her feel special. Be nice and she will love you forever (spoiler alert: she probably believes this is true but she will grow restless and bored).
Both of these types of guidance are horrible. Both imply that someone has to be devalued for the other to be happy. This type of advice is evil and also straight up miserable for anyone who heeds it.
Here is what I want my son’s to know, at least from my limited perspective on masculinity, as a woman:
Women won’t respect you for controlling them, but for protecting them. Sometimes protecting them isn’t fighting off a villain, but protecting them from your own urges that aren’t what’s best for either of you. If you want to keep kissing her after a date but you force yourself to go home instead, she will know you value her, even if she would have invited you inside.
Trust is built on consistency and action. Women will always try to take the lead in decisions, but they often feel much more at ease when they don’t have to decide everything. This ranges from where to go to dinner to big financial decisions in a marriage.
Honesty takes bravery and courage. Being honest and telling your wife when she’s making a bad decision or being unreasonable with a family dispute with her mom will probably make her mad, and maybe even cry. But she will also know that she can rely on you to tell her the truth. Most of her friends, or even family will not. This is important.
Jealousy makes you appear weak and fragile. You are absolutely entitled to making your boundaries clear (I don’t feel comfortable with you going to lunch with your male coworker), but it won’t help to throw a fit or whine about it. Tell her how you feel, and if she doesn’t respect your boundaries then you may have valid reasons for your concerns. Prayerfully she will respect you more than some other man in these conflicts. Don’t waste this authority on silly things like her being “too kind” to a waiter and giggling at his jokes. Save it for times when it’s truly something that needs to be addressed.
If you’re in a bad mood, hold her hand or hug her so she knows it’s not her you’re grumpy toward. She will be much more at ease when she knows you’re just frustrated, and not with her. Tell her you had a bad day or that you need rest. She will want to help.
Eye contact and kissing are some of the most intimate acts. Don’t expect a deep connection if you can’t make the effort for these simple things.
It’s your job to lead. Go to church, even if she doesn’t. Make plans without asking permission every time. Buy her things you want to buy her, even if it’s not always in the budget. Tell the kids no when she wants to give in to their tantrums.
Open the door for her, pay the tab on a date even if it’s a shared bank account and tell her when she looks beautiful. Go on walks and sit next to her on the couch even if your big chair is more comfortable.
Don’t shave your chest.
Ignore women’s advice online. (Like this list right now, probably). Women claim to know what they want, but usually they are so wrong. They say they want a nice guy, then read hardcore BDSM erotica. I like to think that there’s a balance in there somewhere where a man who garners respect can be caring but not weak, and then you don’t need all the weird domination/bondage stuff to feel enough polarity for attraction.
An obvious caveat to this list is the type of woman you marry. It’s a big decision, and can really mess things up if not taken seriously.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, and I hope young men know that they deserve respect and kindness, no matter their height or annual income or what car they drive. As always, we can look to Jesus as the ultimate example for all things. The gospels demonstrate what a balance of love and strength look like in practice, and Jesus’ example should always be the highest calling. If you’re looking to some influencer with a yacht, you’re almost certain to be led astray. Keep your eyes on Him, and things will all be ok.
I love this on many levels!
I appreciate how you were so frankly honest. Indeed, I feel much more at ease when I don't have to make the final say on all decisions, and when someone is willing to speak the truth.
I also love that amid this deep and profound advice you said not to shave your chest. 😂
I mean, maybe it depends on the type of woman they want to attract, but I have never been more repelled by clean shaven super fit men who go to the gym in my life. My little crew hopes for broad with a dad bod, and yes, even a little hairy. 😂
Solid wisdom all around.
Going to pass it on to my own son when he gets a bit older. He's only 3.
Thanks for the article, enjoyable read.
I think what much of this advice comes down to, is having the status/ desirability/ options to be able to say no, and project confidence and assertiveness.
Without that, your behaviours are a performance - fragility that can be seen through your personality, your subconscious leaking out constantly, your internal monologue filtering through your speech, and by the woman observing you, and the continuous sh*t testing that inevitably follows.
Secondly, men can’t pretend to themselves they deserve respect and adoration… if they never receive it. One can’t will themselves into believing a lie, and confidence can’t be faked. Therefore, little to no attention from women means little to no confidence, and a world telling you in no uncertain terms - you are of low value.
The only solution for this given the brutal dating market we’ve discussed before… is finding alternate sources of value (gym, sports, martial arts, career, friendships)… and/or a complete exit from engaging meaningfully with the opposite sex because all the market does is hold up a mirror that screams “low value, you aren’t desired”. This is a brutal, unsustainable reality for men on a primal level. It can’t simply be endured or rationalised, it’s too potent a negative force chipping away at you and your identity. I think many young men are turning to Christianity for this very reason - nature is being far too aggressive towards them, and so they need a new judge… fast.
I have other responses regarding the chivalrous and emotional connection pointers you made, but those are intra-relational, and I don’t think they contribute to the lacking desire component I’ve touched upon here, or we did yesterday regarding dead bedrooms and divorce statistics.